Review written for Best Fantasy Books by Enchanté (a.k.a) Jon Snow from Sleeping With Books.

I’ve gotten a whole lot of books from Egmont publishers recently.

One of the books I received from the publishers was a children’s picture book. I am a primary school teacher and just love picture books. They bring together many elements of writing and enjoyment that novels just cannot reproduce. They are very eye catching because they usually have great art, the story draws you in and the rhyming enraptures you. This one even has a fantasy feel to it!

Sir Charlie Stinky Socks goes on an adventure with his faithful cat and good grey mare where he meets creepy monsters, fire breathing dragons and a not so wicked witch. Each encounter he faces he is left abandoned by his companions but brave and clever Sir Charlie will know what to do.

Just when I started to wonder where the story was leading, a clever ploy was there to distract me. This book has fold out pages that flow with the story line! “As Charlie pushed open the big wooden door. Up the windy windy staircase marched Sir Charlie Stinky Socks.”

Sir Charlie Stinky Socks and the Really Big Adventure by Kristina Stephenson does not disappoint at all, in fact, it probably goes a step beyond. It had great narrative, the art was fantastic and the pop out pages were very well thought out. Young kids should be drawn to this book like moths to a flame.

Hell has no fury like a woman scorned. Monza Murcatto a once loved and trusted general was betrayed, stabbed and thrown off a mountain. However one thing the betrayer did not plan was for her to survive. Now Monza is planning her revenge on the seven men that had a hand in the betrayal.

Joe Abercrombie first made fame with the book The Blade Itself, book 1 of The First Law Trilogy. From this series Abercrombie has gained world wide fans for his witty humour, in depth characters with their monologues, and brutal piece by piece violence.

Best Served Cold unlike the previous series is a Stand Alone book.

For those that have never read Abercrombie, you will not lose any sleep over not having read the previous series because this book is completely self enclosed and requires no prior knowledge to be enjoyed. Best Served Cold employs humour, gore, torture and *cough* romance *cough* all to the extremes. Abercrombie will wow you with great in depth characters that you will fall in love with, wince at the toture scenes when bits of flesh are seared away and be absolutely shocked as the pieces of the puzzle fall into place. The other great thing about this book (if you buy the UK version) is the beautiful cover (First Law covers are also beautiful).

For those of you that have read the First Law Trilogy, I think you should take this book with tredipidation. The good things about this book is that Abercrombie has worked on everything he was criticized on for the First Law. Maps have been inserted into the book. Instead of the usual ‘place at the front’ map, it is on the cover of the UK version of the book. The book is also divided into parts, each part is set in a different area. These areas are enlarged and placed before the start of each part (genius!). The creativeness of Abercrombie is also evident in how he rearranges old minor characters into this book. He almost secretly inserts these old characters into completely new characters with new roles, with new importances and that was a nice surprise. The other thing I also liked about this book was that it is a stand-alone novel. Too many books out there now are a part of a trilogy or 12 book series and it is refreshing to read a relatively new author produce a stand-alone novel.

The other good or bad thing about this book is besides the main story of vengeance, is that this book is just the First Law squished into 500 pages. The world is the same, the monologues are there, the rough sex even the types of characters are the same; a barbarian from the north, a poisoner (torturer), a mass murderer, an inquisitor and people you just can’t rely on. The fact that they are all the same (practically) draws attention away from the fact that Abercrombie’s strength is character writing.

Best Served Cold is by no means a great read, just more of the same much like a Gemmell novel. And like any Gemmell novel, it is worth reading.

Review written for Best Fantasy Books by Enchanté (a.k.a) Jon Snow from Sleeping With Books

Keeper Martin’s Tale — Officially the Worst Book I’ve Ever Read.

A few posts ago, I talked about the Amazon Fake Reviews issue. One of the posterboy’s of this new author-writing-fake-review phenomenon is Robert Stanek. A while ago I wrote an actual review of his terrible book, Keeper Martin’s Tale. Stanek got Amazon to take my review down — probably the only legit review out of his 300+ fake reviews. Oh the irony. Here is the review:

I had the dubious pleasure of reading Keeper Martin’s Tale a few months ago. My mouth still hurts where it hung constantly open for the entire duration of the book. A few choice words come to mind when ruminating on the experience. Appalling. Disgusting. Terrible. Ghastly. Horrific. Repulsive. Sordid. Vile. I could go on an on enumerating the list of synonyms for bad.

I’ll end it with this phrase: It was a pile of sh*t!

I’m not in the habit of attacking authors, but in this case, I feel the effort warranted. After all, Rob uses smarmy tactics to promote his books (fake Amazon reviews, fake Amazon lists, trashing other authors while recommending his own, etc).

Unquestionably, Stanek wins the worst-fantasy-writer-ever award. I never thought anyone would top Robert Newcomb in this category, but Stanek succeeds and succeeds with ease. This guy’s writing is a textbook example of what not to do when you write. How is it possibly that people actually buy this pile?

The prose in Keeper Martin’s Tale is abysmal, the plot boring, awkward, and the characters dull as a spoon. “Keeper Martin’s Tale” reads more like tenth grader’s first creative writing project than the expected professional type prose exhibited by publishable authors.

Simply put, the man cannot write, not a bit, not a ounce, not a scintilla, not a single atom. All those Amazon “reviews” equating “Keeper Martin’s Tale” (indeed all of the Ruin Mist series) as the Second Coming are complete fabrications.

After reading the book, I went back and read some of the “reviews” laughing so hard I almost broke a few ribs. Reviews like the following abound on Amazon:

“I’ll just add to the glowing reviews of this book. I have some (limited) negative feelings about this book like others do, but overall I think that it’s a unique book that’s well worth having. Does Robert Stanek know how to write??? Oh yeah!!! He’s very good at getting inside characters heads without being obvious about it. He’s very good at describing a fantasy world. He’s very good with dialog. The plot and pace is excellent. Okay, so I too am VERY jealous of anybody who can write such a great story. BUT HE’S EARNED HIS PLACE WITH THE GREATS OF FANTASY!!! He’s worked very hard for his success and he has the courage to pursue his dreams unlike 95% of the population (including myself). And NO I don’t belong to his Official Fan Club, but I’d probably join it, if he had one”

What a load of crap! Anyone who has actually read the book knows these are fake reviews! Lets deconstruct the “review”.

“Does Stanek know how to write??? Oh yeah???”

Ah, are we on the same planet? From what I’ve seen, Stanek couldn’t write a publishable paragraph to save his life.

“He’s very good at describing a fantasy world”

No. NO. AND NO! Stanek’s “descriptions” are appallingly bad. Geez, even dragonlance authors do a better job!

“The plot and pace is excellent”

Try Slow and plodding. After reading the book, I’m still asking myself, what was the plot?

“He’s very good with dialog”

Uh…not true. IN fact, the dialogue is stilted. No personality whatsoever. Want good, witty dialogue? Read Greg Keyes’s The Briar King. Now THAT man can write.

“BUT HE’S EARNED HIS PLACE WITH THE GREATS OF FANTASY!!! He’s worked very hard for his success and he has the courage to pursue his dreams unlike 95% of the population (including myself). And NO I don’t belong to his Official Fan Club, but I’d probably join it, if he had one[/I]”

SO much for objectivity in a review. Can we say FAKE REVIEW?

NO ONE with an once of sense would ever waste a breath of praise on Stanek’s drivel, much less post effusive reviews in the vein of “STENEK IS BETTER THAN JORDAN AND MARTIN” or “STANEK IS THE NEXT JORDAN.”

Don’t believe me? I’ll prove it by posting a few sample paragraphs from the book:

“Always more reminders of the things she should or should not do—her proper place, always her proper place. She knew all about the proper things, the proper mannerisms, the proper greetings, her proper duties, her proper place. She had even been taught, though only recently, the proper things to do to invite a man’s attention. She was to begin courting. But why? “

Blah, horrific. I wrote better than this in grade five. And one more painful passage to convince the skeptics:

“Seth returned to the room they shared then and did a thing he claimed not to understand. Galan was sitting on the edge of her bed, running a comb through her long hair. He sat beside her and the next thing he knew his lips were pressed against hers.
Immediately afterward, Seth fled the room and in his confused state of mind, said he knew of only one person he could turn to. Brother Liyan had been meditating in his private chambers and, without announcement, Seth burst into the room and in one great rush of thoughts explained all that had happened since he left the hall.”

Does this prose seem childish to you? It’s definitely not up to publishable standards. Or at least the ones I’m familiar with! The entire book is like this. Even worse, the book is riddled with spelling and grammatical errors.

STAY AWAY from this author! Though if you are in the mood for a good laugh, read it. The book’s so bad it’s almost funny. Robert Stanek’s Keeper Martin’s Tale is the WORST book I’ve ever read. I officially award it the BestFantasyBooks “Worst Book” award. Go post that on your reviews, Mr. Stanek.